The Devil and Brad Lidge


I have a theory. Brad Lidge made a deal with Satan.
I have no proof of this, but I think I am correct. Bear with me.

Brad Lidge just blew his second save in as many games and sixth game of the year after not blowing a single game in 2008 throughout the regular season all the way through the end of the World Series.

He’s got a 7.27 ERA and the once Lights Out Lidge now makes Philadelphia fans nervous as if Mitch Williams was pitching to Joe Carter.

What happened?

We shouldn’t look to 2009 for answers but instead look to 2005.

The shadow of the Pujols homer has followed him. I am convinced he couldn’t order dinner at a restaurant without being reminded of it.

“And the veal parmesan goes to the guy who let up the Pujols homer.”

At that point he was going the inevitable scrap heap of closers who flamed out.

Remember Billy Koch? Remember how fast Keith Foulke collapsed?
Remember how Mark Davis went from a Cy Young winner to the waiver wire?

At that point, I believe the dark lord known as Satan (pictured on the left) struck a deal with Lidge.

SATAN:
Look, how would you like a legacy other than serving up Pujols homer and single handedly destroying the Astros only chance in the World Series after letting up the Podsednik homer in Game 2 and the World Series clinching run in Game 4?
LIDGE:
What do YOU think?
SATAN:
Seriously… Albert Pujols teeing off of you is one thing. SCOTT PODSEDNIK? He hit as many homers as Nancy Reagan that year! And you let him launch a walk off shot in the World Series?
LIDGE:
Enough.
SATAN:
I can help you. You’ll be a World Series hero when I am done!

LIDGE:
Are you kidding me? That would be great! Winning a World Series in Houston would make everything better.

SATAN:
Nahh. Not Houston. It’s not a baseball town. You need to do it for a fan base that would REALLY appreciate it.

LIDGE:
THE CUBS!

SATAN:
(Laughing) Oh please. The Cubs? Do you know how many more souls I can collect if I let the Billy Goat Curse stretch over 100 years? Nah… can’t kill the Golden Goose.

LIDGE:
What about the Giants?

SATAN:
No way. Even I can’t fix their lineup.

LIDGE:
The Red Sox?

SATAN:
I’m sick of Boston. After all I did for Boston fans this decade I don’t owe them a God Damn thing! In fact I have a cruel trick in store for them. Watch the undefeated Patriots in the Super Bowl and you’ll see my handiwork.

LIDGE:
How about the Indians?

SATAN:
Lidge… let me tell you something. I’ve tried with Cleveland. I thought I had the 1997 World Series wrapped up for them. But there is a force more powerful than me.

LIDGE:
You mean God?

SATAN:
No. The bad karma in Cleveland. It’s bigger than God and me combined. I’m just washing my hands with that city.

LIDGE:
What about Pittsburgh?

SATAN:
Nah. Pittsburgh fans would trade in 10 Pirates World Series titles for one playoff with for the Steelers.

LIDGE:
I could go to the Yankees.

SATAN:
Lidge, here’s a little tip from your pal Satan. If you want to win a ring, make sure one of your teammates isn’t Alex Rodriguez. I signed him to a contract that even Scott Boros can’t opt out of! By the way, did you like what I did with Joba and the midges in the playoffs?

LIDGE:
What about the Mets?

SATAN:
Nah… I’m having too much fun f—ing with their fans.

LIDGE:
How about Philadelphia?

Satan scratches his chin.

SATAN:
That’s an interesting idea. Philadelphia fans are hungry for a title. It’s a Northeastern team so they have some deeply rooted loyalty. And I bet I can arrange to help you AND to torment Mets fans, Cubs fans and punish Tampa Bay for taking “Devil” out of their name.

LIDGE:
Sounds good to me.

SATAN:
OK. Philly it is. For one year you will be perfect. And I mean perfect. You won’t blow a lead all year. The only loss you’ll have all year will be in the All Star Game, and that ironically will allow you to clinch the World Series at home. You will be mobbed and loved by Phillies fans. And for all time you will be the closer for the first Philadelphia champion in a quarter of a century.

LIDGE:
That’s awesome!

SATAN:
And the next year it will be all over and you will reach a new level of suck that you didn’t achieve on your worst days in Houston.

LIDGE:
Oooo.

SATAN:
And I will be the possessor of your eternal soul and when you die you will experience a torment that even Milton couldn’t imagine!

LIDGE:
Eric Milton?

SATAN:
Never mind. Your body will burn. Your insides will be ripped from your body. You will spend an eternity screaming into a void for mercy and realize it will never come. And with each scream you will learn the value of life and have the sorrow that your life and soul was squandered and you choke on your own blood.

LIDGE:
But do I get a World Series ring?

SATAN:
Yup.

LIDGE:
Where do I sign?

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