Should Oliver Perez be making demands?

According to the New York Times, Oliver Perez is telling the Mets he doesn’t want to be a reliever.

I think the Mets agree. They don’t want him to be a reliever… or a starter… or throw anything resembling a pitch in a game.

But if Perez could make demands to the Mets, I suppose the Mets could make a few demands back to Perez:

Win infinitely more games in 2011 than he did in 2010. (His 2010 record was 0-5.)

Try to get his ERA BELOW 6.80. (Set realistic goals.)

Maybe use some of the $36 million that he will make since 2009 to scout and find a decent pitcher. (Or even just a lousy one would be an improvement.)

Just throw batting practice. (Lord knows the opposing hitters all improve THEIR swings when Perez pitches.)

Start every fifth day… for whatever team the Mets are playing that day. (That’s got to be 30 wins right there!)

Stop talking about how “This is how we did it in Pittsburgh!” after EVERY loss. (The Mets losing tradition is much more nuanced.)

Try playing second base. (How could Perez’s infield play be any worse than his pitching?)

Stay in the headlines to distract the press from anything else that might be embarrassing about the Mets front office and financial dealings. (Not that there IS anything.)

– Use some of that $36 million to develop the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (The Mets need to erase the memory of Perez’s last few years from their brain.)

Care. (OK, maybe that is asking too much.)

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The Ulti-MET insult to Milton Bradley

So Oliver Perez got ROCKED again… by the Washington Nationals no less. And one of the worst contract signings in history rages on in Queens.

And a terrific Met fan, the brilliant Emmy nominated comedy writer Andres Du Bouchet posted as his Facebook status update “Ok Mets. Please release Ollie and eat his salary. I’m begging you. You can replace him with a T-ball tee.”

So I remembered my insane Blockbuster Trade post from last winter. Essentially it was my 9 team, 11 player swap as viturally every jaw droppingly bad contract was swapped for each other.

I had the Cubs getting Carlos Silva for Milton Bradley… which of course happened.
But in my trade, Bradley was sent off to the Mets for Oliver Perez. (The Mets actually DID pick up Gary Matthews Jr, who was also in my proposed blockbuster.)

But remembering the Perez for Bradley part of the deal, I wrote to Andres.

“Would you trade Perez for Milton Bradley?”

He responded right away “No.”

Remember, Andres had just established the fair market value of Perez to be a batting tee!

So by THAT logic, Bradley’s trade value is LESS than a batting tee. If the Mariners called a team and said “We’ll send you Milton Bradley and we want a batting tee in exchange” the second team would say “You need to sweeten the pot!”

I can think of no bigger insult.

Now please enjoy Andres in a sketch from The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. He is in the Arab outfit.

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